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From Individuality to Oneness: Five Principles for the Marriage God Intended. Part 2

Publication Date: 
March 12, 2013

This is part 2 of a 2 part article.  Part 1 can be found here.

III.  Every marriage has the potential for Oneness and the fulfillment it brings.

Oneness is the understanding and the action of blending two people together as God intended. The two become one in the bonding of opposites. This bonding goes against our self-oriented human nature. To create Oneness, we must see and act beyond our own interests and our own desires.  It requires stretching outside of oneself and learning how to dance with someone who is opposite in many ways.

God intends for marriages focused on Oneness to be the foundation for civilization.
No force has the healing and corrective potential as a healthy marriage. Conversely, no force saps and destroys human potential, peace, contentedness, and purpose than a hurtful, divided, battling marriage. Satan intends that no marriage experience Oneness.  God intends that every marriage be bathed in Oneness. When marriages are thriving, society is thriving.  When marriages are hurting, individuals and society are hurting.

All spouses were created to blend their differences into Oneness, reflecting their Oneness with God.

When we say “I do,” God intends for us to begin blending our differences into Oneness.  When we learn to do so, we both have the same power and passion focused in a positive way. If we donÂ’t blend, we feel helpless and hopeless. She doesnÂ’t take care of him the way he needs, and he doesnÂ’t take care of her the way she needs. Marital Oneness is the hardest job in the world, because it requires two opposites to become one.

When we pursue Oneness, our marriage keeps getting better and better. 

When we donÂ’t, our marriage keeps getting worse and worse.

IV.  Oneness requires knowing and understanding each other.

Husbands and wives are wired differently.
Our differences are profound. Although we are all wired to desire great achievement and great relationships, in general, men are more driven for achievement and women for relationships. A marriage focused on Oneness builds on each otherÂ’s strengths and balances their weaknesses.

Men get frustrated when women do not respond to their attempts because they are not making any progress to their goal of Oneness. The more the wife understands how her husband is wired for achievement, the better she can connect with him and guide and coach in the achievement, and vice versa. When the two dance together, the man is learning about relationship from an expert and the woman is learning about achievement from the husband.

Working together creates completeness, making each individual stronger and building each other up.  Satan uses these differences, these Xs and Ys, to divide, but God uses to both build up and make each other better, to compensate, to add to what is weak and to make the two individually and collectively better.

We need to get to know and understand each otherÂ’s unique qualities.
Each person is created uniquely with both gender and personality differences: in likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, perceptions and experiences, and values and character traits.  The more we understand how our spouse is wired, the better equipped we are to meet those needs in a godly fashion.

I have learned that what most women want most is to feel treasured, to be the sole source of her husbandÂ’s sexuality, to have his time and attention without distractions, and to be courted, no matter how long lasting the relationship.  What most men want most is to be admired, to have his wifeÂ’s approval, and to share affection and sexual intimacy.

Enjoy the differences.
Couples should not be surprised when they encounter differences in opinion and temperament.  It is perfectly natural.  While we might react to those differences by fighting to have things our own way, that approach breeds division.  Instead, looking at the otherÂ’s point of view and brainstorming together allows a couple to build Oneness.

Rather than being frustrated and befuddled, we can rejoice that God has blessed us with someone so different because of what that adds and creates in our life together.

V.  Living in Oneness requires daily focus and action.

Meeting anotherÂ’s needs means dying to passivity and stepping out in courage to actively care for oneÂ’s spouse. Passive men resist, but itÂ’s impossible to grow in Oneness passively. Every husband needs to learn to take leadership with his wife.  Many men avoid this because they are not good at it.  The fact is that men donÂ’t have good models.  Few fathers teach their sons how to lead a woman or meet the daily needs of a wife.  On the other hand, many women have natural modeling in relationships with mothers and peers who teach them how to “dance” with their men. For both men and women, the daily focus is learning to overcome the natural tendency to avoid something we donÂ’t understand and fear we will fail.

We must act on daily basis based on how our spouse is wired.
What can I do today to put a smile on my spouseÂ’s face? What does my spouseÂ’s love button looks like? As long as itÂ’s healthy, we should dedicate our lives to pushing that button on a daily basis. 

We may need an expert guide in the form of a psychologist, counselor or pastor to assist in the process. After all, meeting anotherÂ’s needs requires continual study, understanding, adjusting and readjusting.

For people going through a rocky patch in their marriage, or who have been struggling for years, the concept of moving from division to Oneness can seem unattainable.  Surprisingly, the road back to a happier relationship can begin with taking daily steps of faith toward caring for the other person and then following up with more love and care, day after day. 

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